Train Humor - Jokes (well sorta...)

What do you call a train man who steps on a live 3rd rail?

A conducter!

Who adds grease to axle journals in Wisconsin?

A Green Bay Packer!

A guy is having lunch at a beanery down by the tracks and while he's waiting for his food he notices the guy sitting next to him at the counter.

This guy has seen better days. He's got a peg leg, one of his arms ends in a hook and if that weren't bad enough he's missing an eye.

"Say", says the man. "What happened to you?"

"Well", says the other "I've been workin' on the railroad. It's a sad story really. One day while I was working the yard I slipped and my leg went under a box car so that's why I got this here peg leg."

The first man nods sympathetically.

"Then when they were taking me to the hospital the dogone ambulance crew accidentally slammed the door on my hand and the doctors couldn't save it. Had to amputate. That's why I got the hook."

"Wow" exclaims the first guy. "That's some real tough luck! But what happened to your eye?"

"Got that when a bird flew overhead and dropped one right into my eye."


"Yeah it was my first day home from the hospital.

Did you hear about the engineer who really wanted to run the switch engine but he wouldn't work for a standard gauge railroad. Only a 3' narrow gauge?

Yeah, he wanted to be part of the yard crew...

If John Allen had ever made a full length movie what might it have been called?

Death of a Diesel Salesman.

(John had a scene on his famous Gorre & Daphetid featuring a lynched diesel salesman)

This is a squawk sheet left for the Engine shops by a train crew.
(P) Dynamic brakes don't work at any speed.
(S) This locomotive not equipped with dynamic brake.

(P) #2 traction motor seeping oil.
(S) #2 traction motor seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 motors lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cab.
(S) Something tightened in cab.

(P) Evidence of leak in crankcase.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) Alternator volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Locomotive dances up and down when brake applied at 89MPH.
(S) Could not reproduce problem in enginehouse.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Parking brake cause throttle lever to stick.
(S) That's what its there for.

(P) Engine missing.
(S) Engine found under hood after brief search.

(P) Locomotive handles funny.
(S) Locomotive given verbal warning to be serious.

(P) Radio hums.
(S) Reprogrammed radio with the words.

What do you say to a train crew dressed in three-piece suits?

Will the defendents please rise...


Yard Goat - the critter used by the railroad to keep down the weeds within yard limits.

Tunnel motor - the thing that makes the doors in front of a tunnel open and close.

Feed water - what they mix the yard goat's chow with when he runs out of weeds.

Switch stand - where they stack up the turnout components before taking 'em out and spiking 'em in place.

Tie plates - the china they use at them fancy like restaurants where ya hafta where a tie to get in.

Water tank - one of them amphibibious fighting vehicles the marines use to storm an enemy beach.

Crummy - how you feel after the yard goat butts you.

Cross bucks - the dollars it takes to replace that sign guarding a grade crossing when the fellow with the hi-rail truck runs it over.

Turn table - the thing thing in the superintendents office you want to chuck out the window after he plays Chatenooga Choo Choo for the five hundredth time.

Yard master - nickname for that dad-gum yard goat. Thinks he owns the place!

How many train crew men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, that the shop crew's job...

What's the angriest piece of track?

A cross tie...

Why do ducks have flat feet?

   From stomping out burning forest fires.

Well then, why do elephants have flat feet?

   From stomping out burning ducks.

Why do train men have flat feet.

   Actually it's a different part of their anatomy that gets flat...

Why was the crew of the yard goat afraid to bump the yardmaster?

He told 'em not to - no ifs, ands, or butts.

Which kind of loco has the strangest anatomy?

A steam locomotive! Its got a "back head" and a "steam chest".

True Story (at least that's what old Joe swears...)

Happened in the years right after WW-II. Joe was firing for an engineer name of Carl. Somewhere recently Bill, the head end brakie had found (or liberated?) some C-rats. They'd been sharing 'em and heating them up by wedging the cans on the back head cause they were a lot better hot than cold.

They were all having trouble keeping their eyes open late one night and somehow Bill forgot about that can he'd tucked in behind the sight glass. Anyhow, sometime around 4 in the morning the can overheats and explodes. Carl who was half asleep hears the explosion and either he thinks the boiler's ruptured or that they hit a torpedo.

So Carl he grabs the brake handle and puts 'er in full emergency before anyone can tell him different. A bunch of wheels get flat spots but luckily nothing comes off the rails. After they get stopped the conductor, a normally kinda calm feller, comes charging up to the engine to find out what happened.

He gets there in time to see Carl with an expression on his face the like of which nobody'd ever seen before and him telling the brakie Bill in no uncertain terms "... and you ain't never gonna cook **anything** on that backhead again. Never! You hear me boy? You hear me???"

The conductor looks at the cab crew, then at the back head which has a good dose of what might once have been scrambled eggs and beans on it. He takes a whiff of the wonderful new cab aroma, shakes his head sadly and goes back to his hack.

Carl and Bill were both pretty lucky to not get written up alright. But after that we got to eat our dinners cold...

Did you hear that they're making a new fuel additive out of grapes in France?

Yeah, they call it "Vin Diesel".

How did engineer Fred meet his wife?

It started with cab ride but they ended up hitting the Johnson Bar where they got hooked up.

Why did the lady track worker wanna work only on crossings?

She knew diamonds are a girl's best friend.

How do you know when a conductor is concerned about his weight?

When he puts marker "lites" on his caboose.

What is a Brake pipe?

Its what train men smoke while they're on break.

What kind of track comes from the Arctic Circle?

A Lapp turnout.

Why do railroads call those signs that protect vehicle traffic at grade crossings "cross bucks"?

Because if they didn't have 'em someone would be spending lotsa bucks on crosses.

Why did the railroad magnate choose a name for his railroad that had a single letter abreviation, "S"?

So that when his box car rolled by everyone would say "Hey! Look at that S car go!"

Why doesn't anyone like to play volleyball with a track worker?

Because they keep spiking the ball.

What railroad couldn't keep their engines shiny?

The Erie!

Huh? Why was that?

It's because of Lackawaxen.

Have you heard the old adage about model railroads?

If it works fix it!

What do call a dispatcher just leaving the bathroom?

Out of his head!

This page copyright © 2005,2006,2007 by Charlie Comstock.